Beware The Billy

I was chatting with a buddy of mine this morning and for some inexplicable reason we began referring to ourselves in the third person. I have to tell you, it was fun and the strange thing is I don’t know why. The Dennis, as we must now refer to him, also happens to hate blogs. He mentioned something about sisters and stepping on $85 emo shoes.

What in the blue hell are emo shoes?

This sounds like a job for GOOGLE!!!!

[begin = ‘WHOOOOOOOOOOSH’, tune = ‘Batman’];
Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana GOOGLE!
Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana GOOGLE!
GOOGLE, GOOGLE, GOOGLE!
[end = 'WHOOOOOOOOOSH', tune = 'Batman'];

Ok. According to GOOGLE, there are instructions on how to dress Emo that includes a description of what Emo is. You are not going to beleive it. I always thought that Emo was that not so funny comedian in the 80’s but apparently the modern incarnation has something to with music and dressing all slacker and dying your hair black and wearing nerdy glasses.
Is this part of the whole nerdy is now cool concept?

Right…
Here is the link if you want to check it out for yourself.

The Billy has spoken



In other news:

A strange thing happened last week whilst eating at a local Chinese Restaurant with one of my buddies. I got a normal fortune cookie and we did the whole “In bed” thing when I read it out loud. And that was plenty strange considering my fortune was "True bravery is without whitness.... in bed."
What the hell does that mean?
Was that some sort of sleeping with ugly chicks cosmic joke? Are you saying I have gone all Brokeback? WTF!?!
You know. I have always tried to be the kind of person that looked for the inner beauty in people.
Seriously.
Stop laughing. I'm being dead serious here.
That hasn't always worked out for the best for me. Sometimes you end up getting involved with some very, uh, curious (yeah... thats a good word...) individuals. Ha ha ha.... very funny. The story of my life. But thats a whole other blog. If you leave the whole "in bed" part out its not a bad cookie to get. Very heroic and solemn. But when you play the game you gotta go with the cookie you're dealt.
Bad as that was, his was even stranger.
"Ssoorrrryy,, dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh oonn.."
That is a letter for letter quote. Honest.
In bed?
Dude! Does this mean that it uses batteries or do you have to plug it in? Holy Cow.
I am so never playing that stupid game with my fortune cookies again.

5 thoughts for Valentine's Day

1. Pole Position
Ah, the age old question. Position is everything. Everyone has a favorite. Pitcher, catcher, tight end, wide receiver, you know, all the glory positions but locations are just as important…

2. Kissing: Before, After, During or have a Tic Tac first...
Before, after or during? The correct answer is yes. They say that you need to kiss for 10 minutes a day, every day. Why? I have no idea, but I think that it has something to do with selling toothpaste and mouthwash. Oh and it might actually help keep you and your significant other closer to one another.

3. Undercover Lover: Favorite undergarment
Some people are into fancy lingerie and strange cloth contraptions. Whatever your predilection towards unmentionables is, let me make a small suggestion. (This is mostly for the guys out there) If it has a hole, toss it. Better that you go without than show up with a pair of tattered, broken, whitey tighteys. One more thing, stains are only considered a good thing when mentioned in the same sentences as glass windows and finely crafted pieces of wooden furniture.

4. Foreplay: Myth, Fantasy or Urban Legend?
When did playing around with your mate become obsolete? I have heard the stereotype that men ignore the finer aspects of foreplay. Really? Are there really guys out there that don’t know what foreplay is? Seriously? I always thought that was the second weakest joke in the film “The Three Amigos”. You remember the scene, don’t you? The older woman is asking the beautiful, freshly kidnapped woman:
“Do you know what foreplay is?”
“No.”
“Good, neither does El Guapo.”
Well. I know what it is and if you don’t know, then that’s too bad. It’s kind of like the Matrix. Unfortunately, no one can be told what foreplay is. They have to experience it for themselves.

5. Where is the panic button?
Have you ever touched someone somewhere on their person that just makes them loose all reason? I’m not talking about tickling someone. I am referring to a sensual Achilles heel. That ‘if you touch/kiss/rub me there’ spot that breaks through all resistance. You can tell your close when they are cut off in mid-sentence.
“I am trying to read this article on the albino penguin in the – oh….”
They may go completely limp (well.. they might go the complete opposite route if we are talking about a guy…) They might get all gooey on you and stop making sense, especially if they are foolish enough to try and resist:
“These penguins need our- ooo…my, sweet. Oh yeah. Fish! They need fish. They need fish with- what are you doingwaaa, oh damn.”
It’s fun to start and stop, repeating as often as necessary until they… well until they focus on only you. Everyone has one. Don’t know where your mate’s is located? Tonight is a perfect time to start looking. Looking for it is half the fun.

Avoid eating too much chocolate unless strawberries and some sort of fresh cream are involved in larger quantities. And people? Let’s be safe out there.

10 Things I learned from the Chupacabra...

Who says you can’t learn anything of value from a mysterious supernatural goat sucking international phenomenon? I do. That's who. Just kidding... And so, without further ado, my official list of things I learned from the Chupacabra:



10. Sell, sell, sell!!!
You can sell ANYTHING as long as it fits on a tee shirt. Seriously, I mean anything. And that includes the Chupacabra. I've seen all kinds of tee shirts (man, the stuff they sell on teeshirthell.com is, well, it's from hell, ok? But its really funny in that "oh boy am I taking the express elevator to hell for laughing at this" kind of way.)

9. The mange in Spain slays mainly in the rain.
Mangy dogs are really, really, really ugly. What was thought to have been the carcass of a Chupacabra was in fact the decaying body of a small dog. When the veterinarian pathologists that autopsied the animal decided that they were looking at the remains of a dead dog, true believers cried foul and blamed the involvement of a shadowy secret US agency that took the body to a secret laboratory somewhere in the deserts of Nevada. Did I mention that this was in Venezuela? This leads us to the next item on the list…

8. Fan is short for fanatic.
Fans are very often prone to irrational behavior and frequently exhibit behavior that is often out of character. Chupacabra fans are no exception. Sometimes people that believe in the strange and unusual are themselves, in the immortal words of young Winona Ryder, strange and unusual, and most likely missed their last few psychiatric evaluations. Either that or someone was smoking something that gave them the munchies. (see below)

7. Doobie, doobie do.
Ok, look, I’m not saying that there is no such thing as an evil creature from another dimension that sucks the blood from goats in vampiric fashion all the while leaving no discernible physical evidence that it really exists. Ok. Maybe I am saying that. No. Wait. What I AM saying is that while it may be theoretically possible, you still have to also consider the possibility that smoking strange plants when you are supposed to watching the herd of goats is probably not a good idea. You might, uh, see things. Ok sunshine?

6. Love thy neighbor.
Ok. Goat sucking makes for a great alibi. It was the Chupacabra! I saw it! So your neighbor’s dog has the annoying habit of pooping on your lawn. Now you can rip the little precious’s throat out with a claw hammer and blame it on the nefarious Chupacabra. Crazy? Yes. Deranged? Absolutely. But it works. Now repeat after me: “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again…”

5. Animal lovers rule!
People are sometimes, well, I don’t want to say stupid because I taught my kids that calling someone stupid is mean and unnecessary. Stupid is a bad word! In case my kids happen to be reading this, “Hey guy’s why don’t you click here while Daddy talks to the nice people some more, ok?” Are they gone? Good. Ok. Stupid !@#$@ people like dangerous animals. Don't believe me? I have two words for you:
Seigfried and Roy.
Someone out there has a lion or tiger or bear (oh my!) or maybe a liger or, if this new Milk Bone Flavor is any indication, they even have a pet Chupacabra.

4. Weird Al Yankovic has new material for a song.
Ok, now we can get yet another Copacabana parody in! Weird Al Yankovic - Ok, why the hell isn’t Yankovic in the Microsoft Word dictionary? That ticks me off. Why do I have to add it to my dictionary to get rid of the stupid little red line underneath!?! Man. Now you made me lose my train of thought. Sonofa... you know what? Forget it. Let’s just move on.

3. Scare Tactics is freakin sweet!
If you have never seen Sci-Fi’s show, which is quite possibly the most diabolical and hysterically funny (just as long as it’s not happening to you) show on television. They are so good they play pranks on the pranksters! The Bigfoot episode was a classic and the rat boy episode? OMFG
“Hey little man, do you need some help?”
Man, that’s the stuff of legends. But the Chupacabra loose on a horse ranch episode (number 111 for all you fanboys) will always have special place in my heart.

2. The Sci-Fi Channel will turn anything into a movie.
First of all, I am a HUGE Sci-Fi channel fan. Love them to death, honest. But they will turn anything, and I do mean anything into a movie of the week. Don’t believe me? Ok. Dinocroc, The man with the screaming brain (I don't care what you say, Bruce Campbell is a genious! Genious I tell you!!), Mansquito (MANSQUITO !?! Are you freaking kidding me?) Locusts: The 8th plague , Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (or as it is more commonly known "Where Cory Feldman's career went to die"), Frankenfish (@#$% you Microsoft, I just had to add Dinocroc, Mansquito and Frankenfish to my dictionary… is anyone awake over there?) and of course, Chupacabra: Dark Seas. As soon as I am done with this I am going to put the finishing touches on my epic screenplay Chupacabra vs. Mansquito!

And the number one thing I learned from the Chupacabra...

1. Say it, don’t spray it.
I really like saying Chupacabra with my sexy voice. Over and over and over again. Chupacabra…Chupacabra…Chupacabra…CHOO PAAAA CABRRRAAAAAAA...
Can you dig it? Oh yeah. Come on. Try it. Whisper it, low and slow. Preferably while standing behind them. It's just sexier that way. You know you want to, whisper into your significant other’s ear while you nibble on an ear lobe. If they don’t smack you instantly, you’re golden. Biting and sucking will ensue.

Party Affiliations...

I was asked to send out a birthday invite by my sister in law for her husband’s birthday. It’s the big three – oh.
30. I joke with him and tell him that it’s all down hill from here. He sighs heavily and is basically resigned to his fate.
I’d like to cheer him up but to be perfectly honest I don’t have the heart to delude him.
I was just going to email a few friends of ours and stop there, but then I thought about tossing in a few notes to make sure that I covered a few items that in past parties were not fully addressed.
You know how it is, there is always that one moment of awkward silence when someone has officially gone too far.
You know, your boss getting thrown into a pool with all his clothes by your drunk uncle/aunt/father/mother/brother. Or like the time you knocked over the cake/buffet table after your eighth shot of whiskey or threw up the six pounds of nachos you just finished wolfing down all over the guy in the Chucky Cheese outfit.
You know, now that I think about it, they seem to always involve alcohol more often than not.
Must be a coincidence.
Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone I knew got into an uncomfortable situation because of a “just one more, I have to drive home in a few” drink I’d have a pocket full of nickels. Oh man, I’ve just a had a flashback.
Nothing says party time hijinks like placing the occasional fruit or vegetable in a sensitive spot. Like this one time when my friend Aaron got hammered and passed out and we took an avocado and…
Well, let’s not go there. Who needs to bring up the past right?
Here is what I wrote and sent to the invitees:
____________________________________________________________________

You are hereby invited!

Patrick's 30th (Oh my freakin God! It's all downhill from here man…)
Date: February 25th 2006 (and part of the 26th most likely)
Time: 7pm (until the cops raid the place or the cows come home…)

*DISCLAIMER:
Yes, as a matter of fact, he is Irish so it's safe to assume that alcohol will be involved in one capacity or another. Kids are welcome but they are strictly BYOB. Feel free to contribute a sampling from your personal collection. We really don't care how it tastes, what we are looking here for is oomph. So base your selection not on what goes well with the snacks that may or may not be served, choose instead something that will boost the buzz.
That's the key phrase to remember…
Boost the buzz.
Just repeat that to yourself once or twice a day.
Shenanigans will most likely ensue although the pool has been taken out of play.
Now you are welcome to bring a bathing suit but really, a) it's still a little too chilly for that sort of thing and b) as I just mentioned, there will be no pool. But if you insist upon wearing a bikini or thong make sure that you have employed whatever shaving device you normally use to remove unwanted body hair.
For the record, clothing, as always, is completely optional.
We are asking that you refrain from bringing Islamic Terrorists as they tend to ruin parties.
Same thing goes for Jehovah's Witnesses, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Recovering drug addicts selling magazine subscriptions, Democrat and Republican vote drive volunteers, Satan, Susan Sarandon, Oprah, Barbara Walters, Harvey Fierstien, Ted Kennedy (I’m afraid there is a one drunk Irish-America limit for this party) and R Lee Ermey ( I love the Gunny but I plan on getting slightly plastered so I don’t want to have to drop and give anyone 20…).
They are not being invited.
( if you have already inadvertently invited one of the aforementioned person, persons and/or organizations, think of something quickly and let them know they have been uninvited!)
Ricky Martin will most likely not make an appearance but we could probably drum up an old Menudo tune if you really want but I'm not making any promises.
______________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, I think I covered all the bases even though I always end up feeling like I forgot something. I hate it when that happens. Did I leave the oven/stove/iron on? Did I rember to spread the lime before I buried the body?
You know what I mean?
The next time you get asked to handle invites, I suggest you add disclaimer. They can help prevent unfortunate “Avocado” type incidents.
Party on.