Near Postal Experience...

Well there is only one way to describe the day I had yesterday.
It sucked.
I was miserable for most of the day. We, Confesor (the aforementioned step father in law) and I were installing a lovely wood floor. It was a straightforward gig, took most of the day. My hands were caked with some weird glue that probably caused the hair and tails to fall off the lab rats. I scrubbed them raw with a scouring pad trying to clean them. No dice.
Good times.
I think I had too much time to think and not enough work occupying my mind. My emotions ranged from despair to anger.
I had my moments of Postal worker inspired fantasies involving rappelling gear, a baseball bat, maniacal laughter and lots of screaming former bosses.
Decidedly unchristian of me.
I knew that there would be days like this and I thought I was prepared to handle them. I was wrong. I wasn’t. I realized, as I fell asleep last night, that I had done it again. I have been trying to do this on my own and the crushing realization that no matter how much handyman work got done, it’s not going to be enough to cover our needs hit my like a kick in the groin.
Yeah. I went there.
I am still fighting for control of my life; so much for trusting God right? Can I tell you that I find the prospect of trusting my existence to something that I can’t see with my eyes is terrifying?
It is.
I was alone with my thoughts a little too much and before I knew it was lost in fits of anger, jealousy, despair, hopelessness, just generally feeling overwhelmed.
I wanted God to make me feel better but he was waiting for me to realize that I was still trying to control things that had spun out of my hands a long time ago.
I thought that sharing the details of this fiscal derailment would make me feel better and maybe give hope to someone out there in the eUniverse, should they happen upon these entries.
Sorry. I want this diary…
Wait. Guys don’t do diaries.
Journal. Yeah. Journal, I like that better.
I want this journal to reflect what I was actually feeling that given day. I still know that God is going to see me through this but I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t terrified.
My kids came up to me just know with long faces. I mean like right now, as I am writing.
I asked them what’s wrong.
My son wanted to know how much money we had left in the bank.
THUD.
That was my heart falling right out of my butt and onto the floor.
See, that’s the sort of thing that feels like a kick in the gut. I’m supposed to protect my kids from worry. But they love me so much that they worry about me. Am I okay? How are you Daddy?
The truth is that they protect me from despair. They infuse me with a little gumption.
Hey, I got to use gumption in a sentence. I need to scratch that off my list of things to do.
I told my son that we were okay.
Then he asked me how God was going to get money to us.
Good question.
Really good question.
I told him that was the cool part. We get to see what God does to meet our needs.
He smiled a little too weakly for my taste but I can see him trying to understand and be brave. I love him for that. He’s such a little man already.
Uh oh, the dog puked on the carpet.
Never mind, little man took care of it already.
See what I mean?
I am blessed and highly favored.
Whatever life throws at me, whatever trials come my way, I have been blessed. Hold on to the things in life that matter. You’d be amazed how the hug from a small child can restore your faith in things. They are small miracles and I am blessed to have them.
Okay. I need to get something to eat before I get going. I feel better now.
Thanks for listening.
Let’s see how God is going to move today, shall we?