15 Miles and a Fat man's boobs

Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of Rum!
Actually it was water.
Rum at 6:45 in the A.M? What do I look like to you? Dean Martin? Harry Carry? Paris Hilton?
No my friends, I was a teetotaler this morning. Nothing but the good stuff whilst Trigger and I peddled nowhere for 15 whole miles.
This early morning exercise thing ain't so bad yo. Feel the burn! Feel the burn!
I can't wait till I burn off the man boobies. I hate man boobies. I hate them even more when they are on what used to be my chest.
And so, the man boobs must die.
While I ride now, they flip. flop and flitter all over the damned place. But soon they will be respectable bundles of muscles. No more awkward 'Daddy's boobies are as big as mommy's boobies' moments for me.
For the record, I am still maintining my stance that I do not, in fact, have man boobies. But I am going to remove all doubt. It wont be easy and I may have to sacrifice my love of twinkies and fudge rounds.
Mmm. Fudge Rounds. Little Debbie.
No! Must resist Little Debbie!
I need a priest. Someone fetch me a priest!

Ixnay onyay eatingay the unkfood jay!
Ipsofacto, epluribus unum,
Imisdabus umisdabus wemisdabus...
Aaaaaaaaaahmen....













I still speak several different donut dialects which isn't helping. Dunkin, Krispy Kreme, Hottie, Entenmann's, I can hear them call me as I patrol the aisles of the local Publix Supermarket.
"Psst, hey fatboy. Come on. You know you want me. Pick me up. Put me in the cart. I'll make you feel real good!"
I look around, making sure no one else is near me. I don't know how many other people have the gift of being able to speak to donuts and I don't want people to think I'm nuts.
"My mom said I should never talk to strangers."
The long white box merely chuckles disdainfully. "C'mon Fatty. You know me. I'm just a harmless box of Entenmann's Devil's Food Chocolate Crumb donuts. You like chocolate don't you?"
I do like chocolate. I remember that much. "Yes."
"Well then what's the problem chubby?"
I paused for a moment to think about that. I couldn't come up with a single problem. Something about fatty foods not good for me and the lingering threat of turning into giant brown bowling ball.
"I don't know. I think you are bad for me."
There goes that soft little sultry chuckle. All donuts are women, in case you didn't know.
"Bad for you? How could I be bad for you when I look this good..."
I spy the deep rich color of the chocolate through the cellophane window on the top of the box. I can see the chunks of chocolate crumbs covered in white powdered sugar.
"Well, you have a point."
The box sighs softly, I am definitely losing the test of wills at this point.
"Of course I do. Imagine how good I taste. I would just melt in your mouth."
I like the idea of a soft, moist chocolate donut and a glass of milk.
"Really?"
"Yes. Now be a good little boy and pick me up and take me home. I am all yours."
I reach for the box when out of the corner of my eye I see the magazine rack and there, on the top row is the latest issue of men's health with some perfectly sculpted uber dude on the cover. I used to hate those guys with their baker's dozen abs and zero percent body fat.
Bastards.
But I suddenly remember my mornings with my faithful stationary bike Trigger.
"Sorry, I have to go."
The box of donuts is stunned, "You can't leave me here. Don't leave me like this!"
I shake my head, "I really hate to leave you but we have grown apart. I am a different person now."
"You look the same to me. And I like you just the way you are. More to love."
So sweet. Donuts really are the sweetest creatures. So full of love and happy thoughts and sunshine.
God bless 'em.
"No. I have moved on with my life. But we will always have our memories."
I walk away, turning my cart toward the produce section, a little sad but knowing that I did the right thing.
And then I hear the box calling me again, "Don't leave! I love you! Eat me! Eat me!!!!!!"
No. Not today. Maybe one day when I can control the urge to eat the whole box in one sitting and I am 30 lbs lighter or so.
But Trigger and I have many more miles to go before that day.
So tomorrow we ride on.