Party Affiliations...

I was asked to send out a birthday invite by my sister in law for her husband’s birthday. It’s the big three – oh.
30. I joke with him and tell him that it’s all down hill from here. He sighs heavily and is basically resigned to his fate.
I’d like to cheer him up but to be perfectly honest I don’t have the heart to delude him.
I was just going to email a few friends of ours and stop there, but then I thought about tossing in a few notes to make sure that I covered a few items that in past parties were not fully addressed.
You know how it is, there is always that one moment of awkward silence when someone has officially gone too far.
You know, your boss getting thrown into a pool with all his clothes by your drunk uncle/aunt/father/mother/brother. Or like the time you knocked over the cake/buffet table after your eighth shot of whiskey or threw up the six pounds of nachos you just finished wolfing down all over the guy in the Chucky Cheese outfit.
You know, now that I think about it, they seem to always involve alcohol more often than not.
Must be a coincidence.
Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone I knew got into an uncomfortable situation because of a “just one more, I have to drive home in a few” drink I’d have a pocket full of nickels. Oh man, I’ve just a had a flashback.
Nothing says party time hijinks like placing the occasional fruit or vegetable in a sensitive spot. Like this one time when my friend Aaron got hammered and passed out and we took an avocado and…
Well, let’s not go there. Who needs to bring up the past right?
Here is what I wrote and sent to the invitees:
____________________________________________________________________

You are hereby invited!

Patrick's 30th (Oh my freakin God! It's all downhill from here man…)
Date: February 25th 2006 (and part of the 26th most likely)
Time: 7pm (until the cops raid the place or the cows come home…)

*DISCLAIMER:
Yes, as a matter of fact, he is Irish so it's safe to assume that alcohol will be involved in one capacity or another. Kids are welcome but they are strictly BYOB. Feel free to contribute a sampling from your personal collection. We really don't care how it tastes, what we are looking here for is oomph. So base your selection not on what goes well with the snacks that may or may not be served, choose instead something that will boost the buzz.
That's the key phrase to remember…
Boost the buzz.
Just repeat that to yourself once or twice a day.
Shenanigans will most likely ensue although the pool has been taken out of play.
Now you are welcome to bring a bathing suit but really, a) it's still a little too chilly for that sort of thing and b) as I just mentioned, there will be no pool. But if you insist upon wearing a bikini or thong make sure that you have employed whatever shaving device you normally use to remove unwanted body hair.
For the record, clothing, as always, is completely optional.
We are asking that you refrain from bringing Islamic Terrorists as they tend to ruin parties.
Same thing goes for Jehovah's Witnesses, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Recovering drug addicts selling magazine subscriptions, Democrat and Republican vote drive volunteers, Satan, Susan Sarandon, Oprah, Barbara Walters, Harvey Fierstien, Ted Kennedy (I’m afraid there is a one drunk Irish-America limit for this party) and R Lee Ermey ( I love the Gunny but I plan on getting slightly plastered so I don’t want to have to drop and give anyone 20…).
They are not being invited.
( if you have already inadvertently invited one of the aforementioned person, persons and/or organizations, think of something quickly and let them know they have been uninvited!)
Ricky Martin will most likely not make an appearance but we could probably drum up an old Menudo tune if you really want but I'm not making any promises.
______________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, I think I covered all the bases even though I always end up feeling like I forgot something. I hate it when that happens. Did I leave the oven/stove/iron on? Did I rember to spread the lime before I buried the body?
You know what I mean?
The next time you get asked to handle invites, I suggest you add disclaimer. They can help prevent unfortunate “Avocado” type incidents.
Party on.