5 thoughts for Valentine's Day

1. Pole Position
Ah, the age old question. Position is everything. Everyone has a favorite. Pitcher, catcher, tight end, wide receiver, you know, all the glory positions but locations are just as important…

2. Kissing: Before, After, During or have a Tic Tac first...
Before, after or during? The correct answer is yes. They say that you need to kiss for 10 minutes a day, every day. Why? I have no idea, but I think that it has something to do with selling toothpaste and mouthwash. Oh and it might actually help keep you and your significant other closer to one another.

3. Undercover Lover: Favorite undergarment
Some people are into fancy lingerie and strange cloth contraptions. Whatever your predilection towards unmentionables is, let me make a small suggestion. (This is mostly for the guys out there) If it has a hole, toss it. Better that you go without than show up with a pair of tattered, broken, whitey tighteys. One more thing, stains are only considered a good thing when mentioned in the same sentences as glass windows and finely crafted pieces of wooden furniture.

4. Foreplay: Myth, Fantasy or Urban Legend?
When did playing around with your mate become obsolete? I have heard the stereotype that men ignore the finer aspects of foreplay. Really? Are there really guys out there that don’t know what foreplay is? Seriously? I always thought that was the second weakest joke in the film “The Three Amigos”. You remember the scene, don’t you? The older woman is asking the beautiful, freshly kidnapped woman:
“Do you know what foreplay is?”
“No.”
“Good, neither does El Guapo.”
Well. I know what it is and if you don’t know, then that’s too bad. It’s kind of like the Matrix. Unfortunately, no one can be told what foreplay is. They have to experience it for themselves.

5. Where is the panic button?
Have you ever touched someone somewhere on their person that just makes them loose all reason? I’m not talking about tickling someone. I am referring to a sensual Achilles heel. That ‘if you touch/kiss/rub me there’ spot that breaks through all resistance. You can tell your close when they are cut off in mid-sentence.
“I am trying to read this article on the albino penguin in the – oh….”
They may go completely limp (well.. they might go the complete opposite route if we are talking about a guy…) They might get all gooey on you and stop making sense, especially if they are foolish enough to try and resist:
“These penguins need our- ooo…my, sweet. Oh yeah. Fish! They need fish. They need fish with- what are you doingwaaa, oh damn.”
It’s fun to start and stop, repeating as often as necessary until they… well until they focus on only you. Everyone has one. Don’t know where your mate’s is located? Tonight is a perfect time to start looking. Looking for it is half the fun.

Avoid eating too much chocolate unless strawberries and some sort of fresh cream are involved in larger quantities. And people? Let’s be safe out there.