Diets are for sissies...

I received this in the email this morning and I thought I would share. I added some commentary where appropriate, tossing in a few traditional elements from Puerto Rico where applicable Believe me, if there is a party or some sort of festivities involved (if we happen to not have a tradition or custom associated with it, we'll invent one on the spot!) we are so going to be there. I read a survey once that Puerto Ricans were the party animals of the world. Apparently there are something like five hundred and thirty festivals, carnivals, parties and or other excuses to party on during the calendar year.
Do the math.
Three hundred and sixty-five days per year.
Five hundred and thirty plus parties planned.
That’s a lot of partying..
Let me go one step further...
Most of these go on for more than a single day.
So that’s 1.46 festivals, carnivals, parties and or other excuses to party on during the calendar year STARTED every single day.
Oh and before you go all "man those Puerto Ricans are crazy" on me, just realize that we don't party alone. Last time I checked, tourism was still #1 on the island.
So it's not just us.
I'm not saying its a bad thing. What else are you supposed to do in a tropical paradise?
Anyway, here are the chain mail (sans the chain) eating tips for the 2005 holiday season:

The Official Uberuser 2005 Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks.(Avoid all vegetables for that matter) Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. The only exception to this rule is if the offending carrot has been carved into some whimsical animal or plant form. In that case, you are not really expected to eat it, you are supposed to just smile and say something like "Wow, isn't that just darling?" Well... you would say something like that if you're a woman. If you are a guy you are supposed to pretend you are the abominable snowman and bite the head off of the reindeer while making a godzillaesque growling roar...

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like in single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! If you are Hispanic then you probably have no idea what in the blue hell eggnog is. It’s just like coquito. Except with egg instead of coconut. If you have no idea what coquito is, that’s just too damn bad isn’t it? Nobody told you to not be Hispanic! I am probably not going to share mine either. Coquito is rarer than eggnog and, if made properly will sneak up on you like a hush-a-boom and leave you completely plastered before you have had time to realize that you are think as you drunk you are…
   

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. If volcanos aren’t your thing, feel free to go all “Close encounters of the third kind” on it. Another thing regarding mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. It’s like a tie in hockey, kissing your sister, being a Cubs fan. It’s probably in the same house that has the carrot sticks out on the buffet. Why are you still there, hello!?! Go next door, they have Rum.
   

4. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? That’s like drinking a few beers before going to an open bar party. BLING! There goes that light bulb over your head. Oh, NOW it makes sense…
   

5. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. It’s winter, most of you will be underneath thirty layers of clothes anyway and you will have all those cool workout specials they offer at Bally’s just in time to capitalize on the whole New Year’s resolution phase that people go through. Leave that crap for January. It’s not like you will have anything else to do. This is the time for long naps followed by power eating. You will get plenty of exercise going from party to party and circling the buffet table like a buzzard.
   

6. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, tell no one, position yourself near them and don't budge. If you are working in tandem with a friend, set up a defensive perimeter. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
   

7. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? For the record, Pasteles are not a desert. If you don’t know what a pastele is don’t worry about it. It’s way too complicated to explain and even if I tried you would end up looking at me like I just tried explaining why Joan Rivers is still on television.
   

8. Did someone mention fruitcake? Fruitcakes are actually not from the planet earth. They are, in fact, alien probes designed to gather information on human beings. The only way to prevent the aliens from infiltrating the planet earth and enslaving us all is to freeze the Fruitcakes. All of the smart people leave the fruitcakes in their freezers. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
   

9. When all is said and done, you should not be able to stand, speak and you should only be ably to breathe with great difficulty. Nothing should fit you, in fact, you should be naked with a bib on lying in a great heaping pile of half eaten food and empty wine and liquor bottles. If this is not the case then you are obviously not in the Christmas mood and you need to rethink your priorities. Or maybe you just need to wobble on over to the food table again and keep going until you pass out.

So there you have it. Eat, drink and be merry. Because if the Cubs win the next World Series then the baseball equivalent of the Anti-Trifecta will have been completed and the Apocalypse is really upon us and we won't see next Christmas. But that is a whole other blog...